We Interview Benedict Cumberbatch

Our Team: Benedict, do you like eggs Benedict and did you then take that as a stage name? or is your name really Benedict?

Benedict: I prefer eggs Florentine myself, but yes, Benedict was the name I was given when I was born.  It is actually quite a common name for posh people, but don’t worry I am not one of those posh people that is all ‘’ehhhh you are so Farncombe,” I am more a “Yeah – I’m a posh but I can hang out with anyone type of posh person.

On Tuesdays I often go for a spliff with a friend of mine at the Old Chocolate Box in Farncombe so I am posh, but I am not a posh snob or anything.

Our Team: That is nice to know! So you have recently moved to Godalming in Surrey, what is it like living there?

Benedict. To be honest its pretty splendid, I live above the chip shop at the bottom of Godalming High Street which is really quite arty and funky of me, they also give me great deals on chips that they haven’t sold at the end of the night.

Our Team: Why Godamling of all places, a young man like you  could have gone anywhere surely!

Benedict: Well my friend Terry found me a nice little part time job there at the old Secrets Garden Centre, a job I may add that will help me research and best deliver my new role.  Secrets is called Squires now, but they have kept the old tree houses in place which were part of the old Secrets, I have to say it is bloody admirable.

Our Team: Is this an exclusive – are you planning a new series ?

Benedict: Indeed I am, I am going to be playing Braithwate an amateur detective that works at the garden center, he will go around the place deducing what is wrong with plants and then solve the problem.  For example this one needs more water, that one has had kebab juice poured on it etc.  Then I run around and act a bit mental, then i just get on serving the next customer with a Camembert Fondu or whatever they want.  Some people have said its groundbreaking, but I just like the role. Don’t get me wrong, I am still brilliant in it.

Our Team: Anything else you can share with us about the new show?

Benedict: Just to say that the show is actually set in Liphook; it makes it difficult researching for a role somewhere like that when you are sat in the Middle of The Garden of Eden that is Godalming.  We try to make the place more Liphook, but you always know you are in Godalming, so researching for this role is incredibly tough and a real challenge.

Our Team: Are you making friends where you are living now?

Benedict: Absolutely – I already have 7 friends, and I am an active part in trying to lobby for a strippers license in the Sun Public house on a Tuesday early afternoon to cheer the old boys up.  I am also part of a team lobbying for a local Godalming currency – called the God Squids.  God squids are now accepted in The Raquet Shop and in the Coral Bookmakers for bets over 1000 £.

Right now I am in the process of  making an acquisition of the old Chocolate Box in Farncombe so that i may turn it into Surreys first Marijuana dispensary. You cant sell a magic mushroom or two in the UK any more, so I am going to jump on the UK’s recent changes to the drugs and sex shop laws for conservative voting constituencies.  I think there is a market for it.

Our Team: Who would win in a fight, Chewbacca from Sci Fi Legend Star Wars or Superman, if superman could not use any of his special powers?

Benedict: Chewbacca would rip his fucking arms off in an instant.

Our Team: Any last words or advice for our readers?

Benedict: Yes, do not put hamsters up your bum, not even if you are researching for an incredibly challenging part, and don’t mess around with wookies.